I’m leaving you for good. After seven years of marriage, I feel like I’ve received nothing in return. The last two weeks have been especially unbearable. Your boss even called to tell me you quit your job—that was the final breaking point. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice my new haircut, the meal I prepared, or the silk boxers I bought. You ate quickly and went straight to bed watching your shows.
You don’t say you love me anymore, and there’s no intimacy or real connection between us. At this point, I believe you might be cheating—or you simply don’t care. Either way, I’m done.
—Your ex-husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are leaving for West Virginia. Goodbye.
Reply from the ex-wife:
Reading your letter honestly made my day. Yes, we’ve been married seven years—but calling you a “good husband” is a stretch. I watch my shows so often because they drown out your constant negativity.
You said you noticed my haircut, but I thought you looked like a woman, so I didn’t comment. My mother taught me that kindness is sometimes the best option.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have mistaken me for my sister—I stopped eating pork years ago.
And the silk boxers? I saw the price tag still on them, which was interesting considering my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
Despite everything, I still cared about you and hoped we could fix things. That’s why, when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and planned a trip to Jamaica for us.
But by the time I got home, you were already gone.
Funny how life works—my lawyer says your letter ensures you won’t get a cent in the divorce. Take care.
—Your ex-wife, now rich and free
P.S. I almost forgot—my sister Carla was actually born Carl. Hope that’s not a problem.
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